Day 1 - Kris admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Luna. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Angelina is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Geoff later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. BOB creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Nic hits him with a spork.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of CN Tower out of ham. After much persuasion by BOB, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the CN Tower task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Geoff, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the ham. Nic is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the CN Tower task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Geoff farts and blows CN Tower over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Luna cries.
6 - BOB gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Luna admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spork. Kris says he never wears condoms because they make his dick sore and BOB agrees. Angelina goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Geoff sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up BOB.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Kris goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Nic and Luna are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Kris.
9 - Nic and Luna are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Angelina sings them a song - Mmmm Bop - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Luna out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Luna leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Luna's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Angelina has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Nic is visibly depressed and is comforted by BOB, who tries to touch her on her boob.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of BOB touching Nic's boob over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Geoff refuses to run because his dick hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Geoff finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Nic calls Geoff a lazy dick.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Kris tells everyone individually that he thinks Nic is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Nic and BOB are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Kris.
16 - The nominations are announced. Nic can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. BOB is equally stunned and turns to Nic for comfort. Geoff is distraught and confesses to Angelina that he thinks he is in love with BOB. Angelina says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote BOB out of the house. Nic says she is gutted and even gives BOB a clipping of hair from her boob to prove how much she cares. Geoff is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. BOB leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Nic clipping the hair from her boob. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of India in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of India sounds like but Geoff says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Kris as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Kris successfully burps not only the National Anthem of India but also God Save The Queen, Mmmm Bop and the theme tune to Simpsons. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Kris tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Geoff and Angelina are nominated.
23 - Geoff and Angelina take their nominations well and sit down with Kris and Nic to discuss why they voted for them. Kris keeps quiet but Nic accuses Geoff of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred dick before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Angelina out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Angelina leaves.
25 - Kris becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Kris's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Bear dung using only a spork. Kris is unsure but Geoff is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Geoff breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Bear incident from his childhood. Nic tries to persuade him to stay but Kris sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Geoff decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Bear dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Nic from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Kris asks Nic to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Kris nominates Nic to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Nic.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Nic graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Kris is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Kris takes his £70,000 and runs away to India. Nobody, including Nic, ever sees him again.